you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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