I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
