Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
