I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Pappa wants mamma naked
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
