dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
