Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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