so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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