Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
