i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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