New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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