Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The uberlube is also flammable
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
