I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
