May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
