we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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