when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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