There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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