terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
