someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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