I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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