Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
