She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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