He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
