Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
