3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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