i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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