Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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