you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Panties = found
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
