dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm getting married
To pizza
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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