yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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