he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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