We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
