cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
