the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
