I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
