one might say we're banned from that church
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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