Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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