why im i the only drunk person in the library?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
