I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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