I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
