I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
