but the lizard people decide everything anyway
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
