you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think your dad took our porno
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
