next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
