just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
