please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
