I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
