Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
