Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
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