someone threw a dead crab at me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize