I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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