You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
