Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
