My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
