What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
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