found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
