and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
