I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
