never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Fuck appropriateness.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
