it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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