after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize