just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
