I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
